White Flag
by She's So High
Summary: Sometimes the hardest thing to do is forgive someone for hurting you so badly you ache inside. But is Remus really ready to give up on Sirius forever? (not a songfic)


White Flag

By: Lady DeathAngel

Disclaimer: I don't own anything at all that pertains to Harry Potter (unless you count the merchandise in my room. ^.^;) and I'm making no money off of this so don't sue me.

Warnings: Yaoi parings (Sirus and Remus yay!) So if you don't like then scat. Some language and a makeout scene too. 

A/N: Well, this just popped into my head at about midnight last night. ^.^; But I got the idea for listening to Dido's 'White Flag'. I love her music. Anyway, this isn't a songfic since I rarely if ever right those. A song just inspired it. So, hope you read and enjoy and please leave a review to tell me what you think.

Expect it? Did I expect it to ever happen? No, I didn't. I lived with the fear hanging over my head, thick and heavy and constricting. It was omnipresent. But did I ever *truly* believe that I would one day wake up on a floor, covered in blood that wasn't my own not knowing that I'd just killed someone? Never. Besides, after living most of my life with that fear gnawing at my insides like a dog on a bone, I'd spent the last year happily and blissfully ignorant of the fear.

Well, maybe not so much ignorant as constantly aware of it. It was still there, as it always will be, but I had people to aid me. My friends were there to make me more human during those excruciating changes and the ensuing hours of next to no cognizance. They were there to protect me from myself. I trusted them. Maybe not Wormtail so much to keep me in check as Prongs and Padfoot, but I did trust them. And then, one morning I woke up, exhausted and as far left from lucid as one can be without being unconscious to find out that I'd almost killed someone. And not a stranger either. Not a friend, but no stranger. 

I'd almost killed Severus Snape.

To give him credit, Dumbledore broke the news rather gently. He asked me a few questions that only hinted at the events of the prior night. Questions that made a ball of dread settle in the pit of my roiling stomach like a lead weight. And then he finally got right to it. Someone had told that stupid, prying prat what I was and where to find me. And the idiot had decided to take the bait. He'd been well on his way to his death when James, bless his miscreant's soul, had stopped him. I'd asked who it was, knowing that I didn't want to know. After all, it could only be one of two people. And Peter was too scared of falling out of the good graces of James and Sirius and I to do something that stupid. That meant that Sirius himself had done it. 

Dumbledore left when I told him I was tired and wouldn't be good company on the off-chance he wanted to stay. He took the blatant hint and left. But instead of sleeping I stared at the ceiling, wondering why. Exhaustion filled me, making my eyelids heavy and making me want to do nothing but drift away and never wake again. But I couldn't stop thinking. Sirius and I were friends. He was one of my *best* friends and he knew just as well as I did how much the thought of being the murderer of anyone while I was a werewolf scared me. He knew that I'd never live with myself if that happened. 

Why then had he sent Snape to me? Did he simply trust that James would be able to stop him before I took his bloody head off? Or did he trust that Snape would get a glimpse of me, satisfy his blasted curiosity and get away before I could kill him? Whatever he'd thought, the problem had been that he *hadn't* thought. He'd been so stupid. So careless. And that made me mad. Perhaps not the fact that he'd acted just as Sirius Black did, but because he'd betrayed me. He'd used me to get a laugh. He didn't care that I could have killed someone.

And there I had it. Managing to practically cry myself to sleep in anger and staling fear and a dozen other overwhelming emotions, I knew. He just didn't care.

  


~*~

  


I was back in the Gryffindor dorms within the usual allotted time of two days after my transformations. I wasn't much in the mood to talk, as Peter guessed. He was sensible, or maybe simply afraid, enough to leave me alone. He said hello in a subdued tone before scurrying off to talk to one of his other friends. A girl who could have been his twin with breasts, chubby with blonde hair and blue eyes, named Rachel, and three boys of varying heights and body types, but all rather introverted and annoying to James and Sirius.

Speaking of whom, they both approached me from across the common room, having the grace to look abashed. 

"So," James started awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck in true James fashion. "How're things?"

I shrugged.

"They . . . are I guess."

He nodded.

"Right. So, we've, that is he's, been meaning to talk to you." He told me, nodding at Sirius who had yet to meet my eyes.

"Look, Moony, I'm really sorry." He finally said after a few minutes of somewhat awkward silence.

I lifted an eyebrow at him.

"Sorry is it?" I said, feeling a surge of anger. "Sorry for what? For betraying my trust? For telling Snape what I am and where to find me?"

"Remus . . ."

"Don't. Don't try to make excuses for what you did. I could have woken up with his blood on my hands. I'd have killed him if I'd had the chance. Sorry's don't make that better, Sirius, nothing can."

I didn't wait to hear what he had to say. He looked at me with eyes that were a little confused, a little hurt, but even more guilty. And I couldn't help but feel even more angry. By all rights we shouldn't even have been standing there, him offering me an apology and me rejecting it. We should have been laughing, him and me and James and Pete, all of us should have been talking about the events of the night before fondly. And yet there we were. Him offering me an empty apology and me practically throwing it back in his face.

He didn't understand it, I think. He knew that there was something else there. I wasn't just angry, as much as that was what I let show. I was hurt as well. But he didn't know why. And I'd rather have sawed off my own arm before I'd ever tell him. So instead of the three of us standing there looking like a feuding three-way couple with curious eyes burning holes into our backs, I walked quickly up to our room. 

I was sitting on my bed with my back against the headboard, staring at the canopy, when James walked in and sat next to me.

"Rem . . ."

"Don't make excuses for him James." I interrupted.

He sighed.

"I wasn't going to. He was a stupid bastard last night, I can't deny that. And by all means, you're free to hate his bloody existence. You have every reason to."

I looked sideways at him.

"But?"

"But I know you Rem. You'd forgive nearly anyone for anything. And I know it's only been a few days and he didn't even apologize for his stupidity until a few minutes ago, but there's something different this time."

I laughed coldly.

"Of course there's something different this time." I said. "This isn't like anything that's ever happened before. Every since you guessed my secret, I've trusted you not to tell anyone. You've been wonderful through all of this, but if I'd ever suspected you'd tell anyone else, I never would have let you be as influential in my life as you have." I paused and frowned. "He betrayed me James. And he used me for some stupid joke . . ."

"Rem, I've been meaning to ask you this for a while." He said, studying my face intently. "But . . . do you love Sirius?"

I thought for a moment.

"Yes. I mean, I love him but I love you and Pete too."

James shook his head.

"No. I mean, do you *love* Sirius? Like . . . like I love Lily only different."

"Since when do you love Lily? Is it that serious now?"

"Don't change the subject Rem. You know what I mean."

I sighed then.

"I . . . I don't know."

"I think you do."

And in that moment, gazing up at that canopy I realized that I did love him. I was *in* love with him. Hell if I knew how it happened. I'd never considered my sexual orientation before really. I'd been interested in a few girls, but reality always meant I didn't develop any emotional ties to any of them. After all, being what I was, no normal girl, witch or not, could handle that. But I guess all that time avoiding loving those who didn't know my secret, I fell for someone who did. Sirius. Was I gay? I didn't think so. But I did love Sirius. 

I guess love just chooses who it wants and doesn't give a damn about what's supposedly normal. 

My fists clenched around the fabric of my school robes.

"Is that why this hurts so much?" I asked.

James sighed and then slipped an arm around my shoulders. I slid into the embrace, resting my head on his shoulders.

"I don't know Rem. Maybe. Probably."

I felt a tear escape the corner of my eye and run over my cheek. My hands clenched spasmodically and my whole being seemed suddenly empty.

"I'm so fucked up." I muttered into the skin of James' neck. 

He may have muttered a disagreement or an assent. I didn't know. I didn't listen.

  


~*~

  


A few days later I'd calmed down. After that morning in the common room I was a bit more subdued. I still didn't talk to Sirius, but I wasn't hostile. Peter and James both opted to stay out of it, for which I was grateful. I didn't need any interference in the situation. I was having a hard enough time dealing on my own. 

It was during dinner one night almost a week since the 'incident' that Sirius and I finally spoke to each other alone. I wasn't in the mood for being in a group of people and I wasn't hungry. So I stayed up in the dorms, laying on my stomach with my face facing the door. So I saw Sirius enter and I was too tired to turn away. He hesitated slightly, his gaze flitting from me to James' empty bed to me again. 

"Er . . . hungry?" He asked.

"No." In answered shortly.

"Right. Well . . . look Rem, we really should talk about this."

I snorted.

"Talk about it?"

He nodded.

"Okay then, talk."

He rolled his eyes.

"Rem I know you're mad at me. Completely pissed off and ready to rip me to shreds. But I'm really sorry about what happened. God, I was so stupid. I wasn't thinking. I thought . . . I don't know. I don't know if I thought it'd be funny or if I just wanted to see what would happen. To see if we really could stop you if things got out of hand. Or maybe I was thinking something else."

"Doesn't matter." I muttered.

"What?"

"Doesn't matter." I repeated. "It's almost a non-issue now. I'll get over it eventually so don't get your knickers in a twist over it."

"Rem?" He asked, taking a few hesitant steps toward me.

"Come on," I said, looking at him with eyes that I tried to keep guarded. "Just leave me alone. Get off it. It's fine."

"No it's not." He said, his eyes narrowing as he walked the rest of the way to the bed. "Why're you trying to convince yourself of that? You're not acting like yourself."

"Yes, you who knew me so well you don't even care . . ."

"I do care!"

"If you care so much why'd you do it?" I cried, sitting up and locking eyes with him. 

"I told you that I don't know."

I closed my eyes.

"So we're at an impasse then?"

He was quiet and then he was sitting next to me. I could feel the bed dip slightly under his weight, but more than that I could feel the heat of his body next to mine. 

"I don't want to just be at an impasse with you Rem. I'm . . . I'm not going to just give up on this. I don't want for us to spend the next two years looking through each other and saying hello occasionally. I want us to be friends again."

"Friends." I said again. 

The word felt heavy upon my tongue. Since my talk with James, since I'd realized that I was in love with the young man sitting a few inches away from me, I'd also realized that I didn't just want to be friends. I wanted more. God I wanted so much more. But that feeling scared me. How could I just be willing to trust him again, blindly just like before? Was that what love did? Did it truly make people look stupid?

"Yeah Rem. Is that so bad?" He rested his hand upon my cheek then. 

It was such an innocent touch. But it made me burn inside. His palm was warm and made my skin tingle. I flinched.

"Don't." I whispered.

He frowned, his eyes flashing in hurt. He didn't withdraw his hand though.

"Why?"

"Because . . ." I stopped myself. Because I love you. That's what I almost said. Stupid.

"Because what?" He asked, opening his hand until his fingers framed my face. 

"Because . . ." 

He was leaning closer. It was my imagination. I knew it. But I could smell him so keenly now. The scent of his shampoo and the mint freshness of his breath when he exhaled. He had to be closer because seconds before I couldn't smell those things. 

"Because what?" He asked again, so softly I barely heard him.

"Because . . . I love you." I murmured.

He looked at me, his forehead nearly touching mine, his hair brushing my skin, his nose rubbing mine. And then he was kissing me. His lips covered mine, soft and warm and demanding. I'd been kissed before. Once, beneath mistletoe by a girl in another house who'd long since gotten over me. That had been awkward and I hadn't even realized what was happening. But this . . . I was so aware of it. And it was too natural to be awkward. Sirius moved his lips over mine slowly, with purpose. I kissed him back, slipping one tentative hand behind his head and sifting my fingers through his hair. He deepened it by touching the tip of his tongue to the seam of my lips. I moaned a little at the shock of sensation that went through my body. 

"Wait," I said, leaning back although it killed me to do so. "What are we doing?"

He pressed his forehead to mine.

"God Rem, hadn't you guessed? I've been in love with you for ages."

"Yeah?"

He laughed slightly.

"Hell yeah. James figured it out last year. He was pissed at me for betraying you like that. Made me feel like killing myself."

I frowned.

"You didn't act like it . . ."

"You were too busy ignoring me to notice." He said, amusement lacing his voice.

"I'm not ignoring you now." I said softly.

"I know it." He muttered on a groan. "I know it."

"I forgive you." I told him, dropping soft kisses on his face.

"I love you." He said, kissing me softly.

"I love you too." 

And then there wasn't time for talking. We were too busy kissing. He showed me all the ways of kissing there are. He slipped his tongue into my mouth, explored it, and guided my own into his. He sucked on it lightly, making me sigh into his mouth. He nipped at my lips and then soothed the spot with his tongue. And when he stopped doing those things to me, I started doing those things to him. He told me I was a quick learner, to which I simply smiled. And then we went right back to kissing.

James told me later that he'd walked in on us and walked right back out. He chuckled and said it was about damn time. I was glad that he was fine with it. Pete took a day to get used to the idea, but he told us later that he should have seen it coming. Although I think he was just bluffing in order to make it seem like he'd been in on it, when he hadn't. In any case, Sirius and I couldn't have been less concerned with what others thought. I teased him about how some people would handle it, though.

"You know, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for all those girls who thought they stood a chance with you." I told him one Saturday afternoon.

"Are you kidding? Getting a bit full of themselves really, if they thought they stood a chance." He said as we entered the common room, one arm slung across my shoulders.

"Why? Because you have me?"

"Well that, and because I'm, simply put, nothing short of a god."

I laughed. 

"I doubt James would agree with you. I'm pretty sure he thinks *he's* the resident god."

"Him? He's too busy mooning over Evans to take over the responsibilities of a god."

"What's that? Who's talking about Lily?" James asked, looking up from the chair he was sitting in. 

We laughed.

"You're hearing's getting a bit selective there mate." Sirius said, perching one hip on the arm of the chair.

"Really, why don't you just ask her out already?" I inquired, sitting down on the floor and leaning back against Sirius' legs.

James sighed.

"Besides the fact that she thinks my ego's big enough for three personalities *and* she hates my guts?"

Sirius patted him on the shoulder.

"She may think you're a self-absorbed prat now, but just wait, she can't resist you forever."

"Besides," I added. "A few more ego-deflating quidditch matches like the last one and she won't have to worry about you being an egomaniac."

He frowned at the reminder.

"Hey, just because I had a cold that one game and sneezed *right* when I reached for the snitch . . ."

Sirius laughed.

"We're just saying you'll probably end up together. Who knows, maybe one day you'll get married and have loads of little ones. Enough so that the pitter-patter of little feet will sound like a stampede two counties over."

I chuckled, but James didn't seem to think it was too funny. He glared at us, told us it would never happen, and then proceeded to daydream about what it'd be like to populate a household with Lily Evans. 

  


A/N: Please forgive any OOCness or rambling or anything else that might have made the story hard to read. ^.^; Oh, and please, please, please review! I love to hear what people think about my stories. ^.~ 

  



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